A Wife's Song

I worked late but you don't wait up
My bones ache and i'm cleaning the place up
Sometimes i don't even know i care
I sit down take off my make-up I lay down but you don't wake up
Sometimes i wonder if you know i'm there



I can't remember the last time you
Told me i'm beautiful, and i can't remember
Last time you said anything at all
Now i hope that you will not wake up
When it's too late to make up
Then you'll be the one that's alone and that's sad


In time you'll find somebody
The truth is she'll never be me
And that's when you're going to miss what we had
When all i really needed to hear was "you're beautiful"
All i really needed to hear was anything at all
I'm not your friend who only needs you sometimes
And if i'm your lady
You got to treat me like one...
I'm a woman

A woman with a heart And i deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And i need to be touched
And i need to be loved 'cause being just your woman is not enough
A woman needs your heart
A woman needs your all
A woman needs your everything
I'm a woman
And i need to be touched
And i need to be loved
And i deserve your everything
I'm a woman
I'm a woman
I'm a woman

No Simple Answers

A woman's tale is full of sadness. Maybe because we like to replay events and words in our minds. We do think too much sometimes, that it doesn't allow us to be happy.

This is Jane's Story:

My daughter questions my decision to stay with a cheating husband. I question myself too. On good days I think my husband still loves me and the woman is only a distraction. On bad days I told myself to stop being a fool and wake up to his years of betrayal.

I did fight once upon a time. Back then I still have a lot of hope for my marriage. I hope that my husband would turn back and see us, his family, again. I hoped that the other woman would bow out. I hoped foolishly for years. I believed that my husband love us and I still love him. He never neglected his duties and he never stayed a night out. I believe that his heart is still at home.

Why then did he not leave her? I have no answers for that. Perhaps he loved her too. Bit by bit, I learned to ignore her existence. I refused to acknowledge her.

Would I do things differently now? Perhaps.. but only for the sake of my daughter. I see the hurt in her, which I blinded myself to for many years as I couldn't live with both her hurt and mine.

Perhaps, if I had been brave enough to leave, my daughter would be happier.
So why did I stay? I have no answers for you.. because I don't know.

Give It One Last Go

Dear Diary, A letter from a friend goes as below:

We were good friends. Then she changed. She wasn't the same girl anymore. She said she was fine but her actions told me otherwise. I thought that it would be the right time to tell her how I felt. She said that she already knew about it but wanted some time to think. I did not want to pressure her and we continued to act like before. Alas, one day we had a big argument in public and the situation suddenly went out of hands. I said something that I shouldn't.

Afterwards, I did try to make up with her but the rift is already between us. She no longer trusted me as she used to. Now, it's been a year and things haven't changed much. I am definitely losing her bit by bit. She's leaving for another country soon. I had hoped to have a second chance to tell her that I love her and would always be there if she needed me. I can't bear to lose her without putting up a fight.

She seems emotionally fragile and volatile.

What can I say or advise him? In the affairs of the heart, you cannot force someone to feel what they do not feel. I would say give it one last go. At least then you can convince yourself that you have done the best that you could. Who knows if she is also waiting for a chance mend the rift (sometimes the ego is powerful). Do not keep your hopes too high though. Sometimes, moving on with life would be a good solution.

Is Loving a Crime?

Dear Diary,
I received the below e-mail from a girl :

I am a 27 year old independent and loving Punjabi girl. I am in love with a Hindu guy who is 2 years older than me.
We have been together for 3 years. He is fun, loving, good hearted and sweet. However, my parents are against this relationship. I want to marry my sweetheart but they do not allow it as we have different religion.

My Answer:
As your parents are not listening, you have no choice unless you are prepared to defy their wishes and marry the man you want. This will however brings tension, pressure and the occasional regret to the relationship.
When you have a fight, you will feel that you have sacrificed too much for him. It will not be fun for him either when you are unhappy.
If you dare to marry your sweetheart, you must have the courage to beat the odds and brave the battles ahead.

Love or Fun on the Side?

Dear Diary,
And e-mail in a forum:

I am a married woman with 4 kids. I have been married for 11 years to a man who doesn't show any responsibilities.
I am 30 years old now and have fallen in love with another guy who is also married with kids. We both know that this relationship cannot continue long term since both of us have our own families, but at the same time, we can't ignore the deep love we felt for each other. We have met 3 times and I can't break it up just like that because my feelings will kill me.

Answer:
If you want to continue with the affair, be prepared to lose your husband and children and suffer the consequences of your behaviour. This man probably provoked your latent feelings of sexuality and adventure. It must feel so exciting, exhilarating and thrilling to enjoy a relationship on the sly. Perhaps this guy is also suffering from marriage fatigue. Sharing a romantic interlude without commitment or obligation must feel wonderfully liberating.

However, there is too much hurt and pain involved if you both selfishly decided to carry on. Don't be fooled or seduced by your feelings now. If you marry your lover, life will probably go the same way. There will be the children to care for, the house to clean, as you continue to be wife and mother.

An affair is never a solution. If your marriage is the problem, then think of ways to improve your relationship with your husband. Enjoy your children and do not see them as responsibilities. Do not fall into a trap of guilt and regrets because it is more difficult to salvage love betrayed.

No Sex, No Marriage

An interesting article in the newspaper :
I am a 38 year old homemaker with 2 young children. I have been married for 9 years. My husband is a good looking, wonderful man without any bad habits, a responsible father who works very hard for the family. He says I am a perfect wife and I love him very much.

The problem is my marriage is sexless. In the last 10 years, we have made love fewer than 20 times. It started on the first day of our marriage. We have seen doctors, psychiatrists and counsellors but nothing worked. My husband is not physically unable but he just doesn’t have the interest. When we do have sex, it’s a 2 minute thing.

I can’t take it any longer. I have waited and done enough. My husband acts like nothing is wrong. We never kiss, hold hands or sleep together. I am dying for a physical relationship.

A few months ago, I went into rage over this. I cried and yelled and cursed him to death. He only ignored me. I have thought of having an affair but is that the answer to my problem?
I want a divorce. Am I crazy to divorce him for this one thing? I am broken hearted, lonely, depressed and starting to lose interest in life. I don’t want to hurt my kids nor take them away from their dad. But, I am starting to hate him.
A desperate wife
__________________________________________
Answer:
Hatred, rage, frustration and resentment bode ill for your marriage. As long as your husband remains sexually dysfunctional, you will never be a happy wife.
You know that your husband loves you but he is simply uncapable of expressing himself physically.If there is no physical or psychological solution, then you may have to accept that your hsband can never be sexually or physically responsive.

You will have to decide if you want to walk away from a good husband and responsible father of your children because you are sexually deprived. Taking on a lover will bring on a separate lot of problems and issues. The betrayal, lies and deceit will soon tear your family and marriage apart. Can your children understand and accept your behaviour towards their father? Think of the consequences before you allow sex to take over good sense and rationality.

Have you tried sex counselling? Some men need specific arousal and you need to find out what really works for your man. Read up, watch movies together, create romantic situations at home, in the bedroom or on a holiday by yourselves. Learn patience or ways to appease yourself sexually. You need to understand your husband.
Your pent up anger and frustration might also have negative effects on your husband as he could probably sense your inner feelings. Your husband could simply be afraid of the physical act that shows up his failure and inadequacy. He is in obvious denial and acts as though your marriage is sweet and perfect. He has chosen to ignore your screams, curses and ravings as he does not want to accept this as a problem.

Divorce him if you feel that the physical and emotional ties are no longer there to bind your marriage. But if you love him, give your relationship some more time.

A Man's View

Cat did say that this blog will only display problems faced by women everywhere. But for this once, cat will just make an exception and put this e-mail in "Heart Matters"

The e-mail:
I was going through the blogs and I need to say my mind on this. It's not only women who has suffered, cat. Most of my married life, I have always backed down as I loved my wife so much. But this is still not enough for her.

I can paint for you,cat,a rather cold picture of life. A guy falls madly in love with a girl. At first she pretended to refuse his overwhelming attention, then only to give in later on. The years went by, comes marriage and children. The guy is still in love, but time has taken its toll and things started to change. It was the wife who changed, actually. The night became cold and lonely. While the husband sleeps alone, waiting for the wife to join him in bed, the wife is still watching her favorite show on tv.

The next morning, as usual, the guy wakes up early to pray, wakes up the kids and get ready to prepare breakfast for them. The kids are all ready for school, while the wife is still sound asleep. Being angry about the whole scenario is useless as it will start quarrels. The kids may end up without a father or getting a new mother.

I know that it is not my fault as in the office others laugh at my jokes. They lend a sympathetic ear to my problems. This is probably because I am their senior officer. It might or might not be genuine but at least they laugh, at least they listen. At home, the respond is either a blatant display of indifference or complete disregard of my feelings and emotions.

So tell me, cat, what is life if this drags on forever? The only beautiful moments left are those in his memories, of days when chocolates and greeting cards were often, smile and tender touch were common...
********************************
All stories teach us something, and promise us something, whether they're true or invented, legend or fact
Stewart O'Nan